I’m currently on the manhunt for these out of state college fees. I have honestly scoured every link on the website, but it’s eluded me. I just don’t think they’ve added it on there. I hope it isn’t too costly. I would love to come out to California this summer to take a course in Mandarin Chinese and spend an entire month and a half with you. I’m also so, so, so scared. What if everything’s not as perfect as we think it will be? What if you actually hate me… How I look, the way I talk, my little quirks… I wouldn’t be able to stand myself.
I’m already doing it again. Retracting. Sometimes, I do it so fast I crack into a condensed block of ice, unable to move, unable to react. I’m fighting it, Hilo, I am. I need you. I need to feel this. I am done with letting things just “happen”. I want some control over how I feel, and how I’ll persevere for you. Every time I feel myself slipping into apathy, I grit my teeth, dig into my palms with my fingernails, and slam back against it, fighting as hard as I can.
I feel like I’m on a foreign plane of existence now. I’m either running as fast and as free as I ever have before, or my knees are buckling beneath me when the ground tilts and trembles. There are only polarities between us.
God, I need you.
‘Cause I don’t shine if you don’t shine. -The Killers