Why’s it so hard to be upset while being hugged?
I wonder if I should even post about today. Maybe not yet. I’ll wait until Hilo gets home and we talk some more.
I didn’t want to tell him that phone call made me feel one million times better than where I was before. When he tells me, “It’s nothing, A, I promise. I’m sorry,” I have to believe it.
Of course, I’ve heard that before… before talking to him, I was entertaining the idea of how easily I’d fall for it if he just lied and ripped my heart right out and how pathetic I am. Of how fucking deceitful people are, and that I’m too forgiving.
But I have to believe he’s telling the truth. I have to believe that he wants this just as badly as I do. I want to work through things with him instead of giving up. I don’t want to lie. Dishonesty is no longer a part of the relationships I have. It’s so much more work and pain, but he’s worth it. He’s my everything.
And I don’t think I’ve ever heard him say my name that many times in a fifteen minute period. Maybe that’s another reason why I’m feeling so good.
It’s the little things, man.
The little fucking things.
I have to confess: I’m crying again. But out of relief.
P.S. - Happy 300th post.
I always feel terrible for tricking Blanka into her kennel. She gives me the saddest, most reproachful looks and starts making this terrible crying sound. It’s not even whining, or howling like a normal dog.
She literally cries for five minutes before giving up all hope. Then she sighs and lays down.
WAAAAH BLANKA DON’T MAKE ME CRY TOO D:
Photo by: ambiebambie
Reading back through my blog makes me tearful; I don’t know why.
I think sometimes a good, hard cry would make me feel better. Like I have too much everything welling up inside me. Maybe that’s why I cry so easy when I’m upset. Like my tear ducts are ready to jump at any chance they’ve got to splash my face and make a general mess out of things.
I feel really good when I cry alone, though… When I’m able to get it all out for whatever reason I fancy at that moment, or whatever scenario I think up.
I hate crying in front of you. When I do, I can just see my AntiCryBaby self shaking and yelling at me to cut it out, grow up. I can imagine the irritated look on your face and hear you sigh next to me as I try to get a hold of myself. My mind reels and I can’t think right when I cry by you, making it so much harder to just stop.
Well, I’m getting better at catching myself before it starts… I’ve definitely prevented it a few times now, though it’s not easy. My inner voice is a catty, unmerciful bitch and happens to say all the things I don’t want to think about when I’m trying to stay calm.
Hah, maybe I’m just trying to make up for the lack of rain here.
Looking Foward to a Few Days of Clear Skies,