I’m trying to get back into playing World of Warcraft with him again :3
So, tomorrow I’ve been in California for 8 months (Hilo and I just decided that would be our “official” anniversary date as well, since we [I] forgot which day I asked him to actually be my boyfriend). We definitely don’t do the whole “monthiversary” thing (which I think is honestly very immature… maybe I’m just not that romantic — I think people only celebrate monthly anniversaries if they’ve never been in a relationship longer than a year, or they want to make it seem like longer than it really is [I’m looking at you, girls.]), BUT I’m going to be truthful, I consider us having been “together” [i.e., “exclusive”] for a few months longer than that.
I’d been intrigued by Hilo since… well, it noticeably started in November to December, then my affection kept growing from there. Regrettably, I wasn’t single at the time my attraction to him began, which led to a lot of sneaking around and dishonesty to him as well as who I was with during that time. It wasn’t long after that I broke up with my (now) ex-boyfriend and handled my guilt and grief.
Needless to say, I handled it badly, but it worked.
Hilo finally admitted to genuinely caring for me and delighted me with his letters and sweetness. If it would’ve gone my way, he would’ve been my boyfriend from that exact moment. So what if we had never met? I’d had two other serious long-distance relationships (neither of them ended very well, but they were the best I’d been in yet), and I was determined to make this work. We had already planned on me visiting for a week in June or July, it wasn’t that far away. But he declined, saying he wouldn’t be my boyfriend until we actually met. I was disappointed, but I understood, so we both waited out the three and a half months until June 22nd finally arrived.
During that period, we grew closer. We talked every day (at great length), fell asleep together, played video games together, wrote each other letters full of things we couldn’t find the courage to say… I think anyone else who’s ever been in an LDR knows exactly what I mean. It’s amazing how vulnerable you can become to someone you’ve never even touched.
On the 22nd, I finally met the person I’d fought so hard for. I had scraped up every last dollar by selling off my possessions and doing any spare work I could for my family members. I left Missouri with just over $1,000 to my name to move in with someone I had never met, 1500 miles away from everything I had ever known. What the hell was I thinking, right?
And now here we are. I’m so proud of both of us. We own a fucking dog. We shop for groceries together. I buy him lotion before he runs out of the bottle he’s using right now, and he bought me my favorite flower (which has full bloomed and smells wonderful). I do the laundry and he walks the dog in the morning when I complain about how cold it is. He keeps my immaturity in check, and I never get tired of him reaching for my hand first.
I adore him. I could say that again and again until it’s just sounds and tongue against teeth. Lips pressed together, then soften. I adore him.
I no longer have this anxiety-induced, knee-jerk rejection of commitment. Of course I’m still worried about being abandoned or unloved, but not by him. Everything’s going to be okay, again.
I’m so happy I’m getting kind of choked up.
Now I’m going to stop being a huge homo and cuddle up with the guy that paid money to jump on a Chinese Aion beta server with me. Yeah, he’s that romantic.
You gave me the hope tonight that you would be interested in dating me, or maybe even having me as your girlfriend, or some variant thereof. I didn’t even mean to bring it up, I immediately became so shy and flustered, I lost my words. And you just kept poking and prodding me, asking me to spit it out, what I really meant.
But I don’t know what I really meant. Maybe I want to be reassured that you like me as much as I like you… That you want me, too. That maybe one day you’d like more than what we have right now. That I wouldn’t be against the idea of packing you up with my meager belongings when I go to South Korea. Or anywhere, for that matter. Maybe I want to know that you feel safe with me, too. Like you really could make something beautiful out of yourself. Like… You suddenly have a really, really good reason to. Why not, you know?
I noticed something tonight. When you type to me… versus you typing to someone else or in a search bar, it carries a different voice to it. It’s lighter and swifter. Like, if I could really say… It’d be a happy pace. Like an upbeat song. I don’t even have to look at you, or wait for the “Hilo is writing a message” sign. I can just hear it when you open up my window and start talking to me.
It’s almost bed time, love.
All of me is all for you. - Angus & Julia Stone